I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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