you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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