I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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