I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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