I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
