No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
