I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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