I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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