I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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