Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The uberlube is also flammable
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
