and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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