I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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