I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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