My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
