paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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