If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
