Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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