I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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