I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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