I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Will exercising make me less horny?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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