so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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