he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
