i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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