I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
