ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
True strength comes from lack of pants
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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