TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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