she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
