also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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