Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
