Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
