Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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