Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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