He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
