We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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