so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
