brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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