Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
