It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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