I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
