I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
