but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
