quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
