Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
