the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
