i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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