why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
