you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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