I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
