According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
