after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
