I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
