WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
